Part 1 – There’s Levels to This
Having low energy investment but high respect for a “low action” person is important. It is good to build trust with people through their actions. Begin to understand how to categorize the people in your life to create healthy boundaries. Shunning people is not the answer. Working through life with people while maintaining your boundaries through self love and respect is!
Part 2 – The Right Way To Guard Your Heart
To clarify, being a Christian is NOT a pain but growth sometimes can be. Being saved by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is easy but facing the demons of this world and overcoming our own sin is impossible without Jesus Christ.
The more we get into the Word of God and experience the realness of God’s love in our life, we will learn how to see our enemies in God’s eyes with love.
I often feel sorry for my enemies and the future they will face. I no longer hope the worst comes their way because I know what it feels like to be humbled by God.
God convicting me after I sin is way better than Him humbling me after I’ve lived in a sin for so long that it birthed unforeseen strong holds in my life. When you are facing an enemy that does not know just how lost, evil, or far gone they are, trust me and best believe God has a plan for them. Just like God had a plan for you when you came to salvation and began to walk in His will.
Think of your lowest points where you’ve had a Job season of your life then think about Haman in the Bible book of Esther or Nebuchadnezzar in the book of Daniel. Which character would you rather be? I know most of our answers are neither but if you HAD to choose…who would you choose?
I would choose Job. Your enemy could more than likely face the destiny of Nebuchadnezzar or Haman but it is your job to be who God has called you to be as God does His providential work.
You can be a modern day Job, Esther, or Daniel. Esther and Daniel were a lot stronger mentally and spiritually than their enemies because they wholeheartedly depended on God and His calling over their life. I’d even like to believe that Job was so strong that no enemy physically on earth could make him curse God so His enemy was Satan the deceiver himself. Job is a representation of the internal struggle that happens with Christians when God is about to level us up. In every season of our lives we must never forget our strength comes from God. Strength stands with God in integrity and respects others in all seasons of life.
Guarding your heart while dating is enjoying and valuing the people in front of you while maintaining healthy relational boundaries. Do not surround your mind with doubt, anxiety, sin, or judgment of others. Keep your mind, soul, and heart protected from unfaithful lies about dating and marriage. When you know and meditate on God’s truth, you can guard your heart without shutting others out. You can experience the joys of growing healthy friendships and relationships.
Part 3 – There’s More Levels to This
Understand what it means to be a friend first. Friends of the opposite sex can have fun and flirt with no strings attached. Enjoy life! Do not have strings attached until you’ve spent enough time with a person to learn who they really are and what their true intentions are. Their consistent actions will show their true intentions.
For my Black Queens!! I’m about to go all the way in and get real with you. We must recognize how America has trained us to put stereotypical and unrealistic expectations on our Black Kings before we even get to know them. Think about how easy it is for us to not have our guard up sometimes with men from other ethnic backgrounds.
Some Black Queen’s guards might be down, are more chill, and unbothered talking to men of a different race in social settings because we have no intent on dating them. Other Black Queens assume Black Kings should fulfill our unrealistic romantic expectations.
Black Kings and Queens have faced some hard things in America that we must address and recognize to avoid stereotypical assumptions of each other. We have been oversexualized in the media. Displayed as “loud”, angry, cheaters, criminals, or a culture easily influenced by the media. I challenge you to search your heart in these areas and check out my Understanding Black Men and Women Beyond The Surface YouTube playlist found here. Recognize your biases and how they are affecting your dating life, especially within the Black Community. For some women, the finer the man the more likely he’ll cheat. This is not true! Women can miss out on enjoying their time with good looking quality men because they are searching too hard for red flags.
When I compare what I’ve seen on TV to the men I’ve experienced in person, most of the Black Kings that I know are NOT cheaters. Far from it. I’ve heard of men of the opposite race swinging or cheating on work trips in places I’ve worked. I’m not saying all Black Men don’t cheat or all men of the opposing race do cheat. I’m just saying the dating game (especially marriage) is slightly different between those two types of men’s worlds (but only slightly). The difference in the game is worth learning. Learn the man, learn the game.
Sometimes a Black King is too busy securing the bag or focusing on his future to even think about cheating. The Black Kings I know are Men of God who know what it means to add to their Black Queen’s happiness. There are men of the opposite race who are financially set for life who have time to cheat more often than Black Men. I say all this to say, learn the game and ask God to reveal the facts.
We as Black Queens sometimes hold Black Kings to a higher standard from the jump without even realizing it. So I challenge Black Queens to enjoy a friendship with Black Men. Allow them to be themselves and reveal themselves. It’s so much better to see if someone desires to join into your life than to force or beg them to fit into your life. Let go and give them freedom so you both can allow the space to show your true selves to each other. This will allow you to discern sooner if you both meet each others intimate and “realistic” standards.
Part 4 – Guard Your Heart and Be Confident In Your Calling
Be bold and confident in who you are. In 2018 coworkers told me I needed to be more confident. I was confused because I know (and my family definitely knows) I am a confident person. Later I realized God was in the process of humbling me while I was going through a tough year. When others were assuming I had low confidence, God was
- Molding and transforming me;
- Teaching me the strength of what it means to be meek;
- Revealing to me being humble is so much better than being humbled.
- Making me realize confidence looks different to different people. I show confidence through my fruitful actions, humility, meekness, and Godfidence. I chose a more meek way to be confident because I did not want pride to sneak back in.
With that said, do not explain yourself to people who question the essence of who you are. Just show them who you are. If they pay attention long enough, they’ll know. If they walk away with their false assumptions of you, that’s their loss. Do not let moments of confusion distract you from your purpose. Focus on your spiritual growth and God’s calling on your life as it relates to resting in God, helping others, cultivating friendships, and starting new relationships.
~ Kassie Marqué