Always in My Heart, My Mother

Mommy & me

Last Mother’s Day, I remember talking to my mother on the phone between services at my church in Lexington, MA (Grace Chapel).  During the first service I volunteered in the youth ministry.  Between services I called my mother to see what she was up to.  I watched the children on the playground while talking to my mother in the sun.  Happiness filled me as her beautiful voice warmed me that chilly morning.  We discussed my busy morning, the Mother’s Day gift I got her (some of the items she never got to use), the flowers that my dad and my now husband got her, and my nephew’s musings as he got ready for church.  I don’t think she went to church that day.
At that time, my life was awesome.  I was engaged to be married to my best friend. I had two wonderful parents. I liked my job and my co-workers, and I loved where I lived.

Hers was the opposite.  Doctors told her to give up hope on living, she was in tons of pain, and she could not be her usual busy self.  I wish I could have bared that pain for her.

I knew she was sick, but not to the extent that she was.

We did not lose hope.  My aunt called her siblings.  We asked everyone to pray for her.  I stood by her.  Almost everyday until the week before my wedding I sat beside her hospital bed-talking to her, praying with her, arguing with her, advocating for her, and being silent.  It was the most amount of time I’d spent with her in years.

My mother fought hard and had the most amazing doctor around the time of my wedding.   He approved her to leave and come to my wedding.  I was sooo happy.  I remember him giving her a gardenia.  The sell of gardenia was her favorite scent, and the flower smelled heavenly.

Then the week before my wedding, I ended up running errands and spending less and less time with her.  I remember my Dad and I leaving to finalize some wedding plans, and my mom wanting us to stay.  It broke my heart.  He had to pay the deposit, but she was confused and in pain.  We made sure to hurry back to her, but I still felt for her.

I’m so happy we had my Bridal Shower in a conference room a few floors below her room.  I’m glad she got to experience it, if only for a while.  She was sooo happy for me.

I’m so happy she helped me pick out my dress and plan my wedding. I’m happy for the beautiful childhood she gave me.

She made it to the wedding, and she was back to her normal personality.  Well, she was in a wheel chair, but she took beautiful photos of the wedding from her camera my dad got her for Christmas.   She stayed until the end of the First Dance.  That was such a blessing, and I am forever grateful she made it to my wedding.  We visited her after our post-wedding boat cruise.  I kissed her forehead and went off to my honeymoon.

When I returned, she was different.  She seemed out of it and didn’t talk to me as much.  Yet, she still mouthed that she loved me every single day.  Her health went downhill from there and she slipped away from me.  I was there the day she passed away.  I remember leaving the room when things got crazy.  I prayed like crazy.  I told the Lord I’d still serve Him, even if He took her away from me.

I didn’t realize it would be this bad.  I feel like a piece of my heart was ripped from my chest.  I don’t understand why my closest confidant had to go.  I honestly don’t know how I will make it without her, but I will.  It sucks that my kids will never get to meet her, but I will have to show them what an amazing mother she was by being one myself.  Hopefully, by then, I can find the strength that she put in me so many years ago.

What I wrote for her last August:

Love always, your daughter, Krystal